When He Still Has Feelings For The Other Woman
Author: Katie Lersch
I often get emails from people who are trying to heal from infidelity in their marriage. Despite the shock and the pain, they are willing to do the hard work to save the marriage. However, there is a very big something that is standing in their way – and that is, their husband still has feelings for the other woman.
I often hear things like: “my husband says he wants to stay and wants to save the marriage after the affair. The problem is that he recently admitted to me that he still has feelings for the other woman. How am I supposed to trust that he actually wants to be with me and isn’t longing for her? Am I just wasting my time? Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak here? What should I do?” I’ll share with you the advice that I often give in the following article.
Focus On You And Your Husband, Not On Your Husband And The Other Woman: I know that you’re often going to want to ask your spouse how he’s feeling right now or if he (or she) is thinking about, fantasizing about, or dreaming about the other person.
Try very hard to resist this urge. The last thing that you want to do is to draw his attention back to the other person or to let the thought or conversations about them impede your progress. This is YOUR spouse. This is YOUR marriage. This other person has no business having a place here.
Although you may know this intellectually, emotionally this can be a real struggle. I understand this. But, you must talk about this in your journal or with a trusted friend, not with your spouse. Because dwelling on this is destructive on so many levels and your lack of confidence is going to make you feel more doubtful and less attractive and these things can so easily bleed into your marriage and in your attempts to save it.
People will often say to me, “yes, but shouldn’t I be honest? Aren’t we supposed to be telling each other how we are really feeling? Yes, that’s true. But there is fine line between moving forward and stepping back. You want to move toward the future, not in the past. You should absolutely share your feelings, but it’s so much better to focus on the feelings between the two of you, not the two of them. Because if you do, you run a real risk of making him think about her far too much.
You don’t want to give him any reason to contemplate her and you do not want to contribute toward him defending her. Basically, you want to give the impression that you are worried about him and you, not about you.
Does Absence Make The Heart Grow Fonder?: I had a wife make a really good point to me the other day. She said “if I try to keep him away from her or his mind off of her, won’t that just make him want her more? Isn’t it better to sort of let him get her out of his system so that we don’t just keep on revising this? I think that this is a very dangerous way of going about it. This is just allowing him to live in the past and allowing him not to make a choice.
In truth, if he still has really strong feelings for her, then he should resolve this before he commits to saving this marriage. With that said, it’s normal to feel some sense of loss when a relationship (however wrong it was) must abruptly end without “closure.” Some people will mistake this for remaining feelings. Often, if you just leave this alone, it will lessen over time and you will look that much more attractive and will be in a much better position as the result.
Your real goal should be to make your marriage a newly fulfilling one with new discoveries and things to look forward to so that he no longer needs to dwell in the past. Sometimes, there will be an adjustment period until you get over the hump and can start doing this. Just wait it out. Because if you keep bringing every discussion back to her, you’re giving her way more power than she deserves. Bring his attention to you, not to her.
What If My Spouse Is Pouting Or Distant Because They Are Missing The Person They Cheated With?: The other day, I had a man say that his wife was just not participating in the marriage because she was struggling with missing the other man. I told him to give it a few days to see if she would eventually snap out of this. But, after a while, he should just tell her that it’s very obvious that she isn’t present in the marriage or interested in saving it and that she should perhaps take a break or have some alone time to sort out her feelings.
Because it wasn’t fair for anyone to continue on like this. Either this wife wanted to go forward with the marriage (even with her doubts and unresolved feelings) or she didn’t. The husband of course felt that this was too risky. He was afraid that she would decide to stay with the other man during her break.
But guess what, he did it anyway, even though he was terrified. And guess what else? She eventually showed up at their home full of apologies and pleas that he allow her to work with him toward saving the marriage. Of course, one of the requirements for this was that she was sure she could leave the other man behind. She assured him that she could. I firmly believe that they would not be at this place if he hadn’t demanded that she make this choice. You deserve his or her full attention, but it may take a little while to get to this place.
I know that even contemplating your spouse’s “other person” is painful and difficult, but make sure that you don’t give them more power than they deserve. And, healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/when-he-still-has-feelings-for-the-other-woman-3221695.html
About the AuthorKatie Lersch writes articles about moving past an affair. Her corresponding blog is at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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