I Think He Wants Me Back But He Wants His New Girlfriend Too. I’m Not Sure He’ll Give Her Up
Author: Leslie Cane
Over the weekend, I received an email from a woman who told me that what she’d been hoping to happen in the last two years finally had. Her ex husband had begun calling and texting her, and acting in such a way that made her think that he possibly wanted her back. However, every time she asked about his current girlfriend and hinted to the fact that she was standing in the way of the two of them being together, the ex husband would change the subject.
It was pretty clear to the ex wife that he was not willing to put the relationship with the girlfriend on the table right now. She wanted to know how she should “play it” in order to have the best chance of getting him back for good. She had never gotten over this guy and she was willing to put everything that she had into the relationship, if given the chance.
But, she knew that she would need to figure out how to get him break up with the girlfriend first. I will tell you the advice that I gave her in the following article.
Not Putting Too Much Pressure On Getting The Ex Husband Back Immediately: Here was the first thing that I wanted for her to consider. There was a real danger in moving too quickly and blowing the chance that she waited for so long to come. I did not want for her to get too excited and to press too hard so that whatever interest her ex husband was showing was going to quickly wane. The truth is, something that takes a little work to accomplish or to obtain is going to be perceived as more precious and worthwhile anyway.
So, if she made everything completely easy for the ex husband and she was the one making all of the concessions, then it would be just as easy for him to quickly lose interest and the resume on with the girlfriend.
This “all or nothing” stance put way too much pressure on the situation. There was no telling, at this point, where this was going to go. It was very important to move very slowly. I really did not want for her to appear to be putting the cart before the horse as this gave her power away and made this whole process seem way too easy for the husband.
No, I did not want her to shut the door on what she had wanted for so long. Not at all. But, I wanted for her to move with very small steps, evaluating how things were going, and adjusting if needed, for the whole entire time.
This was much more likely to produce the outcome that she wanted and it made her appear to be more in control, self respecting, and desirable. It would also help to bring to light the husband’s true intentions over time.
Getting Your Ex Husband Back When There Is A Girlfriend: Obviously, the girlfriend was something that could not be ignored. It meant that the ex husband was not willing to give up his “back up plan” should things not work out. It also meant that he was not willing to make any real concessions. This was, at least right now, a huge tip off to move slowly.
Still, it could not be denied that the husband was acting completely differently than he had in the past. He was initiating the contact and was acting extremely interested and receptive. Quite understandably, she wanted to capitalize on the situation, as she had been waiting for it for years. I did not blame her here. But, I told her that she should take it very slowly. There was nothing wrong with telling him that she would not mind trying to restore a friendly and positive relationship between them, but nothing romantic or physical could happen while he was involved with someone else.
In this way, she was allowing for him to take on the role of the pursuer, which was only to her benefit and would only make her appear more attractive to him. And, she was setting clear boundaries and allowing for things to move at a safe and desirable pace. The clear advantage to this was that this slow pace would allow for her to see if things were acceptable to her as they happened. This would allow her to see any changes in the relationship or if the same old flaws began to come out. Plus, the slow pace would ensure that there was no pressure, which makes the whole process much easier.
Ensuring That The Problems That Caused The Divorce In The First Place Don’t Resurface: From what the ex wife had told me, I actually thought that there was a good chance that, if she played her cards right, the husband would move toward her. I also felt that if they moved slowly without pressure they would begin to get closer and closer until eventually, it would become clear to the ex husband that he should let the girlfriend go.
However, there would still be work to do at that point. If the problems that caused the break up in the first place were still there, then I still did not like the chances for the relationship. The ex wife assured me that she could “live with” and “accept” much more because she did not want to be without this man. I do understand that, but honestly, what she really wanted was a strong relationship in which both people were genuinely happy. She should not settle for less than this and I did not feel that she had to. Once the closeness and intimacy was reestablished then there was no reason that the relationship could not withstand some work that would strengthen it anyway.
Never underestimate your ability to create the relationship that you want. With some simple tools, you can make huge changes. My own marriage was really over when I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle (by focusing on my own time and efforts) and this eventually worked. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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